Joke: The Mystery Scot

The hero of my Work In Progress is a cutie of a guy, who--I just found out today--is Scottish. So, in researching kilts and such I found this joke that made me laugh out loud. I hope it gives you a chuckle, too. Oh, and here's a pic of Gerard Butler looking mighty cute.

Three Scotswomen are walking home at night (they are neighbors) and find a Scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon and they can't see who he is; however, they want to help him get home.

The first woman looks under his kilt and says, "It's not my husband."

The second woman looks under his kilt and says, It's not my husband."

The third woman looks under his kilt and says, "Why he's not even from our village!"

Shame on Me Joke

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot a lot of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him . . .

(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good.)

...a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Dumb Joke

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't. I've cut off your arms!"

Words of Wisdom?

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a dependable man who doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.





5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Joke: Meaningful Communication

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they couldn't see each other using sign language.

"Honey," she signed after several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."

"Great idea, and if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time," he signed. "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

Joke: A Chance Rendezvous

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Joke: Convict on the Loose

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"

"Oh, honey," the wife whispered back, "I'm so glad you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

Joke: Come Rain, Come Sleet

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route the whole family congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift certificate. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

Afterward, she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring the coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him if he had any ideas. He said, 'Fuck him, give him a dollar.'"

The lady then added, "The breakfast was my idea."

Joke: Miscommunication

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of an unfinished building needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself. He tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So, he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes, meaning "I," then pointed at his knees, meaning "need," and moved his hand back and forth demonstrating the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know. I was trying to tell you that I was coming."